I See You

Remember that moment in the movie Avatar (20th Century Fox, 2009) when Nav’i princess Neytiri looked deep into the eyes of her human lover Jake Sully’s eyes and said, “I see you”? I usually find a line or two in every movie that frames it…. and that line simple but yet quite profound - did it for me. How many of us just want to be seen, but beyond that,  we want to be understood, cherished… valued? I think that’s everybody, according to Maslow’s (1943) Hierarchy of Needs.

Several years ago I took a class called Thrive. It focused on relationships and how the brain develops, or lack thereof, during the early developmental stages.  It might surprise you to learn how our behavior, desires and needs continue to roll on and even drive us to possess what we didn’t receive during our formative years.  On a personal level, I always “low-key” felt that the inability for people to show affection or make commitments was some type of disorder. Aaaaaaand I was right. Don’t get me wrong… the inability to maintain healthy relationships is a real thing many people struggle through (including myself, which is why I took the class in the first place).  Because this thing is multifaceted the roots run deep and spread out into many, many directions.   

The article “Understanding Adult Attachment Disorders” writer Nicola Davies, PhD lays it out so clearly.  She describes Attachment Disorders as “lacking the ability to connect with other individuals and form meaningful relationships.” She further mentions and I paraphrase, “For over 70 years Psychologists confirm that the ability to form healthy emotional relationships as adults is directly related to the child/caregiver relationship.” What this means, is if a parent neglected to connect emotionally (and physically) to their infant or child during the vital development years that literally  affects the brain’s growth in that area.  

WHY the disorder is developed:   

·      A child is constantly left to console itself (cry itself to sleep)

·      Child is ignored when they fall and hurt themselves

·      Parent seems annoyed when their child calls their name or wants to spend time

·      Very little to no Parent/child connecting, conversations, learning moments, affection, intimate moments.

There are other reasons why.  But the point is, in the absence of vitally needed interactions a child must depend on SELF.  They develop ways to sooth and comfort their own emotions and over time the child establishes an “I don’t need anybody” mentality. They crave a relationship but lack the ability to be attached or depend on others.  One might say, he/she is overly exposed but underdeveloped emotionally.  

Sure, not every parent is touchy feely, or comfortable with showing affection (it’s hard to give what you never received).  But this brokenness, will trickle into next generation and the next and the next, unless it is corrected.

Here is a simple fix: When you come across someone you care for… Look them in the eyes (with happy eyes), give them a REAL hug (not the pat, pat, pat, type) and let them know you are genuinely happy to see them.  What that does for you (and the other person) is this, according to the book:  The Life Model (James G. Friesen, et al, 2000) when we see each other and my happy-to-see-you eyes meet your happy-to-see-me eyes an energy is exchanged.  That energy activates the part of our brain and produces serotonin, which in turn gives you an exhilaration and feeds your soul.  They say, ‘The eyes are the door to the soul.” Each time you lovingly connect souls in this way, you heal the brain.  Try it and see how goooood it feels to be “seen”! 

Hey Reader (yes you)… I see you… and I am filled with joy, Thank you!

The Booty Call

Its 12:30am Friday night/saturday morning and the phone rings. The sexy voice on the line starts with, “Hey Baby whatcha doing…” Its the BOOTY CALL!!! Now, for females accepting bootys is seen by the world as a negative thing, where as for men making and benefiting from a call is a beautiful thing. It’s the old double standard. Society has crammed women into a narrow box. We are expected to be monogamous, being chaise, loyal to a fault… you know, to be a good woman. And we are supposed to be good lovers… uh but not too good… She is meant to be a PARTNER to build with, ½ the foundation of a home, an upgrade.  Too many “hit-it-and-quit-it” encounters, according to the world view are shameful and therefore decreases her value.  (Fffffff… the world’s opinion.)  But let’s be honest when females want intimacy and sex and romance … and she’s been in the relationship dessert, tumbleweed town, cricketsville, whatever … for a while, anything is better than nothin’ (pretty much.) Yep she’s thirsty but does that make her a “hoe” or “COMMUNITY BOOTY?”

Except for the minimal conflict one may face while pondering the religious and moral implications of allowing the flickering flame to burn unconfined momentarily, sex outside of marriage (which isn’t what it used to be) has become a satisfaction-driven instantaneous act. Hookin’up, Just chillin’ are acceptable social activities.   

But and I dare ask, what does sex (every once in a while or even frequently) do for and to a woman’s spirit, her mind, and emotions?  We all know what the bible says about “fornication,” adultery and sex outside of marriage… puts you on the path to HELL, true… but honestly how much weight does “someday in the sweet by and by” (or not) have on the pains of here and now?  Here’s a churchy question: Would you trade sweet eternity for temporary physical bliss? Don’t answer that… instead let’s get real…

What does the woman giving up the booty want? I would venture to say, she wants to be loved. That’s an oversimplified answer but the real question is - to what level is she willing to go in order to FEEL loved? The giving-of-sex-hoping-for-love thing will always be present, where there is BROKENNESS (and there are plenty of sharks following that blood trail.) Fix the brokenness and transform your prospective. Love is so much more than a hump and a pump.   

So, what about the No Strings, No Drama kind of girl making the booty call? She’s just like the rest of us, but in denial. She has a wall that says if I don’t connect, I won’t get hurt.  But it takes effort to have and maintain something that is real in order to make it last.  See that white picket fence, enclosing a beautifully manicured yard? How do you think it got that way, osmosis? Uh no… sweat, pulling, digging, planting, watering… connection and care.  You want sex but not love… something is broken, missing or both.  Fix that and you will transform who you are, how you approach love and also live life.  Don’t be fooled, love isn’t love until you give, for real.  Every time you give of yourself with a BOOTY CALL, you have to do damage control. You must readjust your heart, your prospective and your expectations. You must learn to NOT WANT, what you really do and what you NEED. The Booty Call is a game - a game that shreds the SELF piece by piece. Aren’t you tired of playing yet? When I said “Fffff” the world’s opinion, I meant that! It’s not what the world thinks about who you are & what you do… Its about how you see and treat yourSELF. What’s your worth, “$5.99 or something like that”? (Nod to Jill Scott). Next time you’re feeling a little spark and at midnight the phone goes RING-RING… RING-RING… RING-RING

What you gonna do? For more info on re-building the SELF click here.

THE REPRESENTATIVE (& Monkies)

Last week I introduced you to the idea of MONKIES, those pesky little creatures that can grow and grow and eventually take over how you respond to situations that resemble past trauma.  Today we’re gonna talk about someone we all know but sometimes wish we didn’t. That illusion, fantasy, façade … (my/your) fictional character, the one we want to be wanted… The REPRESENTATIVE!!!!  Bladdowwww…

If you have suffered through toxic relationships, have been abandoned or rejected in the past, gave your all to someone who cheated, or here’s a good one… if your standards are suuuuuper high (for whatever the reason) - there’s always going to be something preventing you from fully engaging with people that don’t quite measure up to your “list of wants.” I’m mean… don’t raise your hand if you’re one of those sad sad people who won’t even give an “average” person the time of day. I’m going to say something and I want you to really hear me. Scooch up close and listen…

If you esteem yourSELF highly, you don’t have to give THAT kind of person the time of day. To ESTEEM means: To respect, admire, to appraise as valuable. You wouldn’t give an iphone 12 to a 1st grader would you? Aaand if you would, that’s a whole “nuther” conversation. Wisdom would scream NOOOOOO! Why because they don’t understand the value and importance of such an expensive piece of equipment. They would most likely treat it like a toy, because they don’t know any better. In the same way know your worth. It is you who determines your own value. Showing up as a REPRESENTATIVE is not only INAUTHENTIC, trying so hard to be something you aren’t DISHONORS the unique and special person that you truly are. Must you MANIPULATE people to like you? I AM who I am and thank God, because there is no one like me… and there is no one like you! Wisdom will tell you - Not everyone who comes into your life should remain. Not everyone deserves a place in your inner circle, should get your number, have the privilege to date you, bed you, or monopulize your time. Perhaps this meeting was for a future business endeavor or maybe the universe’s way of bringing a momentary lift with 1 humorous conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying NOT to have high standards, and I am also not say to settle in that you give up your non-negotiables… But what I am saying is don’t let your determine people’s worth. So say you’re the one sitting across from a “REPRESENTATIVE” my advise to you is #1 Consider what you’re bringing to the table (if it’s less than what you’re asking for, uh you’re unbalanced.) And #2 Don’t freaking be shallow, don’t just soak up the outside… dig deeper. Open up, converse be “in the Moment.” Fight beyond placing more value on the outside then you do the inside. And then later when it’s all over connect with your SOURCE and decide if and where this person should be in your life. If your monkies won’t let you do that, I would say you need a complete “SELF” detox. Ya need to transform how you think, feel, and respond in relationships…. Pschhhhe maybe you’re not even ready for a real relationship. Start with being honest with where you are. And then so something different… read a book. I’ve got one for you…

Check out “The Love Lies” by National Best-selling Author Debrena Jackson Gandy. This groundbreaking work will help you get rid of The List and false beliefs about men and relationships that keep us frustrated and feeling dissatisfied. Her 10 Revelations will liberate you and they will help transform your relationship mindset, as well as your whole dating thing, like it did for me.

Get your copy on Amazon today

Life is Calling

I didn’t plan to be “a hoe” or “addicted to drugs” or still living with Mom & Dad at 30. Well… most people who didn’t know, at age 5 years what they planned to be when they grew up, never planned to live a life that they don’t like (or ever worse… hate.)

If you were like me growing up part of a dysfunctional household… that I couldn’t wait to grow up and leave, there was no planning involved.  I just wanted to be of age so that I could have my own life. Dysfunctional can mean so many things.  And I hope you come back more and more so that we can have more dialog about what yours looked like.  But for me, Daddy left when I was 3 and so did my sisters shortly after. When Momma did remarry there was domestic violence, corporal punishment, alcoholism, a sort of mild neglect and often not enough food in the cupboards. My brother used to eat sugar sandwiches… but I digress.

Getting grown was just the stepping block I needed to “freedom.”  But once grown I realized, man! I didn’t know anything about life. Well I knew what not to do, and how not to talk to people and I also knew how to live without a man. But as having the tools that I needed to a happy life… uh one I wanted…  My tool box was empty and I found myself ill-prepared to handle the regular day-to-day struggles that come with grown-up life. That is why I wrote 4 SELF 101, so that people would have somewhere to start.

One day, the sexiest man alive (well in my life anyway) was conversing with me face to face.  It felt like there was no one else in the room except he and I, but the world was all around and passively watching.  And then he asked… “But tell me, WHO ARE YOU, really?” I was about 28 years old and if I tell you I was stuck on stupid, feeling small and at a loss for words it still can’t capture what I felt at that moment… all I could do was cry. That conversation forced me to discover ME, who I really was. One might say “Rediscover who I am” but honestly, I didn’t know who I was.

Its been many years since then, and can I tell you – it took longer than I thought it would to discover ME. REAL self -development is a PROCESS. The first step is to get to know the SELF, and it’s not just the reflection in the mirror. He/She is much more complex. Walk with me… (click the button above to join the conversation.)

Shhhhhh Listen... He Speaks

Remember the tantrum-guy from last week. How ridiculous he looked hitting the ceiling in his full-blown Adult fit… I laugh and from a distance who wouldn’t.  But when you look in the mirror and think of all the things that didn’t go your way, you realize that dude was probably you at one time or another.

One way that I have managed (not without painful growth) to control myself and pull it together quickly is to learn to manage my expectations and lower my energies to match them. Doing too much, hoping too big and seeing things that just wasn’t there had generally ended with me being devastatingly disappointed. I mean crash and burn… over and over again. Ok… isn’t that the definition of INSANITY: doing the same old things expecting a different outcome? “Yeah, yeah I know all that” we tell ourselves “but maybe this is the time, they will get it… maybe this time they will pick up what I am putting down… ”And did they; did the situation I wanted most work out…? NOPE. The last resort… “I’VE BEEN A GOOD DAUGHTER, God! Well I have tried…”

And then HE said…”~~~~~~~ do you trust Me~~~~~~~” (and then there was a pin-drop silence)

And then I said…. “hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, of course I do.  But You take toooooooo long. Why is everything in Your timing?  Ya know, for You a thousand years is like a minute, but for us one of Your minutes is like a thousand years.  And God I only got like 100 if I’m lucky (and that’s stretching it.)

He said, “Go out on the patio, what do you see?” I got up and went outside onto the patio that overlooked a common shared green space. Arching its borders like a fence was a row of tries, separating the apartments from the sidewalk outside and then the street. Beyond the trees was a quiet city and over a couple of streets rose the Puyallup fairgrounds.

He drew me back in when He said… “See the trees? They are there for your protection. These trees shield you from the world out there. They protect you; they hide you; they shade you & the mess can’t get to you… I am protecting you. I am giving you rest, respite, time to get yourself together again.”

HIM:  “Remember Cheryl and how she blessed you to stay with her in the beautiful home on the hill… (It was the mountaintop experience you begged me for) … What was so special about that place?”

Me:  I was surrounded by …. TREES… wow. “Thank you God!”

HIM: “Would you rather I not protect you and….”

Me:  “no, no, no… but I get so frustrated.  When are you going to answer my prayer?!”

HIM: “~~~~~~~~~~~ do you TRUST Me? ~~~~~~~~~~”

Me: “You’ve been faithful and have answered every prayer that I’ve ever had, so…. Yes, I trust You.”