Confucius said “Better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But, for the person who feels like less is more… you just may be wrong. There’s life in connecting with others through genuine and authentic communication. It ain’t easy, but it is worth it.
Note to writers: Please feel free to share a favorite word in the comments below (I need some word candy in my life). My word for today is RETICENT and it means quiet or restrained. Quiet people get a bad rap because they seem to always be “in their head” which does not necessarily mean that they’re “up to something devious.” Many brilliant people are not very talkative. In fact, being quick to listen or to observe others before putting yourself out there, is a form of wisdom. The only challenge is when people purposely “close off” their emotions (and/or communication) for fear of being abused or rejected by others. Emotions can be very tricky to navigate and hard to deal with especially for those who did not have a healthy space to observe, process and share them growing up. Likewise survivors of Domestic Violence, or abuse automatically shield themselves from toxic feelings and the negative reactions attached to them. When people are “emotionally unavailable” they can be either under-developed or overly exposed. In either case they may find it easier to protect themselves by putting their emotions and all it’s baggage in a tidy little box. They then store it away in a dusty corner of the soul where it’s protected from others by a little monkie called “hurt.”
In SELF-protection mode, some “cold” “unfeeling” and “passionless” people have literally boxed their emotions and become super reserved in order to control their outcomes. But what they don’t understand is the box not only protects their emotions, it also blocks the vitally needed things that are meant to heal and grow them. Yes, dealing with people can be messy and it often requires stretching beyond one’s comfort zone. It’s ok to be in the box for a minute, but while you’re there make the most of your time. Get some counseling, read some books, do a little SELF-care. Do an overhaul of how you show up for people. Did you know treating (or loving) people only in a way that makes YOU feel comfortable is a form of narcissism? A great book to help you with that is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Shifting your prospective to provide what others need instead of giving them what you want, could make all the difference in the world. And good communication coupled with actions that confirm your words is as vital to relationships as water is to a garden. If you don’t water, and tend your garden, you’ll get no fruit… in fact, all you’ve planted will dry up and eventually die. This next thing is a hard one… VULNERABILITY. Being vulnerable is really scary, especially if you’ve opened up and still experienced loss. Honestly, you can’t have anything real without a little nakedness (spiritually speaking.) Sometimes getting raw and real is what relationships need to progress (not just for dating) … all important relationships go there.
Sometimes listening, ACTIVE LISTENING, is sharing (sharing is caring.) If you aren’t sure what a person needs, JUST ASK THEM (and give them time and space to respond.) Don’t premeditate a response just be present and walk it out together. Expanding your response repertoire (gotta deal with the monkies first, tho) will transform other people’s ability to open up to you.
Now after all this, if you’re still in your box struggling - I want you to consider: Whats important enough to draw you out of there – your children, family, job, partner - how about life and joy? Once you have your “ why” … We (all your loved ones and basically the world) need you to COME ON OUT OF THAT DARN BOX!!! BE present, ready to learn, open, and willing to express yourSELF. Trust in the fact that what is supposed to be, will be and if it’s not meant for you, it won’t remain… let it go. Stop trying to control every outcome and you’ll be surprised by the unexpected blessings that’ll flow your way. Here’s a good start, practice saying these 4 things: “I was wrong and I apologize” “I love you” “I need help” and “I need you in my life.” Finally, learn to praise out loud. Express your thankfulness. And watch how your life change before your very eyes.
If you need help, as always I got you (click here). For more info on Monkies, Communication, and Self-Improvement get you copy of 4SELF 101 here (It’s not just for Teens.)